Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
