Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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