I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
