If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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