Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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