If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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