she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
