please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
