Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
