I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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