My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize