I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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