i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
