WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
