this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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