I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize