Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
