Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize