Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize