Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
