I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
