Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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