cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
