I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
