you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
