Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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