He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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