remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
