she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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