the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
