i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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