So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
