My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
