Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
