Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
so much tequila, so little girl.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
