Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
