i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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