Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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