Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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