I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
