i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
