i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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