god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
