I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize