Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
