Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We left an ass print on the piano.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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