kristin has been a bad kristin
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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