Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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