Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
