I'm jealous of your bromance
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
