Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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