Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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