So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
