those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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