You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize