I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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