I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
