fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
