He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
