when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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