On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
