I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
