My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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