??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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