I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize