i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
