i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
