I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
