There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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